They never stop.

I've decided that... Verizon's slogan "We never stop working for you" is really really accurate.

It's true because they force you to sign up for high rates under a 2-year contract, so they won't allow you to have them stop working for you. If you decide to cancel, you pay for about 3 months worth of bills, just for breaking the contract. And that's evil. But Verizon certainly has great quality of service, but the prices are pretty darn high. It IS true that you get what you pay for though, that's for sure.

Or maybe it's been mis-printed constantly. Maybe it's actually "We never stop working for Hugh."

And maybe Hugh is like some evil guy who controls the world.

Or maybe it's Hugh Jackman.

I'll stay with Verizon if it's Hugh Jackman, because that means I'm only 2-degrees in separation from him. And that's probably the closest I'm ever gonna get. So this is the part where I enter a "zone of pretending" and imagine that Hugh Jackman is on the other end of my phone service.

yep.

hotcakes

Yesterday I was talking to Anthony about the difference between hotcakes and pancakes. The conversation was prompted by this picture. He said that hotcakes tend to be smaller than pancakes... and hard. A hard pancake, to me is untastey. If this is the only difference, it makes me wonder about the origin of the phrase "sell like hotcakes." I've never noticed a huge consumer demand for pancakes. Why oh why are people buying so many hotcakes? What is it about making them small and untastey that makes people line up outside to buy them??

It can't be just that they're untastey pancakes. It must have something to do with bunnies.

Hilary Duffbot

I'd like to build a Hilary Duff robot. And have a remote control for it. And go to the mall or something and walk it around really awkwardly. It would be a really realistic-looking, but UNrealistically-moving robot. So, like, it would move really jaggedly and her mouth would move really sharply, and maybe her head would be a little loose so it shook around weirdly. But it would be silent and look exactly like Hilary Duff.

And it would also just sprint for no good reason. For about 30 yards at a time. People would be really confused.

Also, when people would try to talk to her, she would scream a banshee scream and then disappear. I'm not sure how I'd make a robot disappear, but I bet I could get a voodoo master to help me work that part out.

Belladonna

So, this is only random because it comes out of nowhere, but it's actually fascinatingly true.

Did you know that when you go and get your eyes dilated at the optometrist for eye exams, you're actually getting a dose of Belladonna? Belladonna is Deadly Nightshade, and ingesting as little as three berries or chewing a leaf can kill you. Creepy!

But I'll remind you also that tomatoes, eggplants, and potatoes all belong to the nightshade genus. Pretty weird, eh?

The Gwim Weeper.

If you ever get a tarot reading and one of the cards has your picture on it, it'd be a good idea to pay attention. Unless you look exactly like the grim reaper, or some nude nymph, and then maybe it's a coincidence.

Chucks

I have always despised the name "Chuck" in almost all instances, even when Peppermint Patty calls Charlie Brown "Chuck" in Peanuts. It's such an unpleasant name. I mean, if you look up the word, it means "a cut of beef," "a clamping device," "to toss or throw," "to give up or quit," and "to throw up." It's not ... a pleasant name.

But recently I discovered a new meaning. And that is: "the most awesome shoes ever made."

Yes, I'm speaking of Converse All-Star Chuck Taylor Hi-Tops. Hmm, I hate abbreviating short words like "High"... but so be it.

I bought my first (and certainly not last) pair of chucks at the mall the other day. And, you know, I'm not really sure how I did without them before.

So they will probably replace my love of kitschy Skechers (nice consonance there, eh?) for quite awhile.

I guess I can say "Don't chuck on my chucks, or I'll put you in a chuck, hit you with a frozen chuck, and chuck you out, Chuck."

Stupid Chuck, trying to chuck on my chucks. Find a bag, dude. Find a bag.

The Amazing Soybean

I visited my parents the other day and my mom gave me a couple packets of chocolate-flavored soy protein powder. The soybean has never ceased to amaze me because it is a bean, and yet it can also be everything else ever. The only difference between the real thing and the soy substitute is that the soy product is usually... really gross.

So I decided to make myself some hot chocolate with my chocolatey soy powder. I was surprised to find that it was actually just like real hot chocolate... only really gross. Not all of the powder would dissolve in my milk so there were little clumps of soy floating at the top of my cocoa. Sometimes, when I mix in my Swiss Miss powder, not all of the powder dissolves, and then I scoop off the extra floating powder in a spoon and eat it, because it tastes like sugary chocolately goodness. I tried to do the same thing to my floating bits of soy and they tasted like a mixture of flour, dirt, and ground up cocoa beans. I am not sure if all of these ingredients were actually in the floating clumps.

Cocoa beans, by themselves, are not at all tastey. I think the man must have been very insightful who tasted a cocoa bean and thought, "This tastes like dirt. I shall mix it together with sugar and milk until it is a suitable medium for easter-bunny-candy making." I wonder if the same strategy could be applied to other dirt-like-tasting foods. Like... pinecones. "Mmm, I just had an urge to eat some yummy pinecone pudding..."

I do not really know what pinecones taste like. I have never eaten a pinecone. I am mostly guessing.

Element Bars

Oxygen bars are places you can go to "sip" flavoured oxygen while hanging out with friends. I think it would be funny if they had helium bars... but I bet you'd walk in and laugh for awhile, then get a headache and fall over. And then would come the lawsuits.

But nevermind those... what about nitrogen bars? Where you sit there and get drunk and freeze things all night. No, don't drink the nitrogen, you'll shatter internally, and that sounds really disgusting. I'd bring lots of fruits and things with me so that I could shatter them with a hammer after I freeze them in liquid nitrogen. There's nothing like seeing a banana shatter as if it were made out of glass. And it's much cheaper than shattering a real glass banana.

It'd also be fun to bring a toy hammer, freeze it, and shatter it with a real hammer.

I honestly think that other types of "element" bars aren't as interesting.
- Calcium bars - "come eat bones."
- Aluminum bars - "for goats and can openers."
- Uranium bars - "no."
- Gold bars - "Fort Knox, members only."

So, nitrogen bars and oxygen bars are the only good fun places for elements and people to interact. Nope, nitrogen bars really aren't great ideas. Because they'd probably serve beer, you'd get drunk, and soon enough you'd have your hand all shattered everywhere. DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN LIQUID NITROGEN, OKAY!?

Okay? ... ... Good.

Dried Potatoes

If I had a potato, and it dried up, would it still be a potato?
Does a concentration of water really define whether or not it is still that item?
Because, well dried grapes are raisins, and dried plums are prunes.

A dried potato? They have dried potato flakes, so I'd imagine that's what it would be like. ... Like a powdery white substance in a shriveled brown thing.

I think they should be called Potinkies. or maybe we'll go the apricot route and call them "dried potatoes." That's a little disappointing, but honestly I don't think anyone would want to buy and snack on whole dried potato snacks anyway. ew.